What to pick?

My god is it difficult being me some days, or maybe it's just the fact that I'm a woman, I don't know. I just can't seem to make up my mind. What do I want to do with my life? It's still a mystery to me. I want to be an artist, but I want to be a mother, I want to do something constructive and be successful and I also want to waste my life doing nothing. 

I know I want something more from life, something more than I already have but I also feel the need to fulfill everybody else's wishes. Reminds me of a song, Trouble by Coldplay "...a spider web and I'm caught in the middle...".

I wish I knew what would make me the happiest and then I'd just go with that, but there are too many things that I want. I remember wanting to be a different person each day, a grandma today, a ten year old boy tomorrow. 

Human minds are very fascinating things, don't you think?

God is love?!

So let's talk about God. Let's fight and then decide the one that was right about the God concept, let's start wars and discrimination based on our own believes and if I think otherwise I'll make my own religion because I can do that too and proceed to make people believe my words over yours. My god talks to me and he definitely thinks my religion will spare you of hell in the other life if only you're willing to spare some money.

Yeah, ok, so maybe I won't talk to you about God. I believe in hope and love and I have my own god too. He's young, about 10 years old, he was blond curly hair and he plays mean jokes on me sometimes because he's trying to tell me something, but I'm not listening so he's angry. My god doesn't talk about himself, he just points out the fact that I need to tell myself every day that I love me, that I'm alive and I should appreciate it and that I should share my love with others, because I have enough to give the whole world. This makes me smile, especially when I see him smile at me, when I listen. I suspect this tiny god, is actually my own heart that guides my moves everyday.

Your heart is beautiful too, make sure you listen to it.

All that...

Most amazing days when your brain tells you this is it, this is the f-ing end and you get that feeling which makes your believe that you're on a set road and you can't turn right around and you're right, you can't turn right around, you can't pick things off from where you left them, because time distorts everything and things change, feeling change, people change, BUT you can stop and make a right, make two lefts and make a right again, because you're the one steering the wheel. It's most amazing feeling realizing you're the one making all these mistakes, over and over and OVER again, but here's the catch: bash your head a little then get over it. The one having the problem is ALSO the one solving the problem. Sure, it's not an easy task, I myself am in the prospect of changing myself to the better, I think, so I know, it's a bitch, but I'm not giving up. :)

Being a woman is definitely hard, mostly because what seems important today might not be half as important tomorrow. Women change their mind a lot and by that I mean A WHOLE LOT, still the most important decisions don't come to us overnight or I'd like to think that they don't.

I wanted to help make a difference, to something, someone, because I'm selfish and I wanted to make a change in that aspect. Still the only thing I do have to offer is my ear and my shoulder and it's not enough. People don't change, they adapt, but their personalities stay the same, it's also the reason why they make the same mistake numerous times. 

Lately, I've had an artist crush on someone, that's like saying you see this person that inspires your talent and at the same time you're sort of interested in their persona, not sexually, but... okay so I can't explain it, it's not something I usually do. Anyway this person brought many subjects on the matter of human love and how many things could be avoided if only we cared enough and he's right, but humans forget really quickly these things when they don't exist in their everyday life and I think it's nice that he keeps reminding them to whoever reads them. Makes me remember why I chose to write this blog in the first place, to make a difference for someone.

Anyway, I'm sorry I haven't updated in a long while, I hope I do get to do it more often.

Have a great day~

Go, me!

Today, I'm happy. I finally managed to clean my closet, which for me is a great achievement since I'm such a lazy ass and at the same time I realized that I'm not as bad as I though I was. I genuinely care for some people, even if I said that I don't and I worry for some people I never thought I would worry about. I guess it's not that bad to acknowledge I'm actually, a little bit good. It also makes me feel good, of course, being the selfish person I am.

I think, today, in a long while, I feel lively, like I can actually get out there to enjoy life, which is better than lazing around inside and I feel I can totally do the whole wife thing and maybe later on I'll even be wanting to be a mother, I think. Still, this is what I chose to do with my life and by god, I will totally rock at this, 'cuz I AM that good. *laughs*

Anyway, what I'm trying to say as that at one time or another you also need to get off your lazy ass and do something for yourself, something that makes you feel good, oh, and also, helping others while your at it. 

Tip of the day! Just say "Go, me!" Totally works, trust me! :)

Complex, another pretty word for undecided

Being a woman is such a hassle. Starting from the fact that we're so complex and being complex is no compliment either. I actually believe being complex is a default, because we are always misunderstood and we have no clarity over what we really want. It's like asking someone for butter to spread over a bread you don't have and you're not really sure you do want to have. God, and don't make me start on that time of the month. I mean, my god, do I really need to react like a bitch to every single thing? Apparently yes, 'cuz my stupid hormones dictate whatever comes out of my mouth.

I dread the days until my next period and just hope against hope that chocolate will somehow come to the rescue and I won't make a total ass of myself, otherwise it's painkillers all the way. 

Fact is, men at least have some clarity over what they want to do and if they have something they like they can make it the best, but me? I have a ton of things I like and I can't decide which one to pick, cuz whatever I pick I would still feel bad. Why? Because if I want to do thing no.1, halfway through it I suddenly decide it was thing no.2 I actually wanted to do and start on that, only to stop somewhere in the middle again, because no.3 suddenly sounds like the best option and so on and so forth. Complex my ass, more like undecided, but yeah, that's me, I even have a motto: "Today I want something that tomorrow I won't."

Purpose

We all feel that there's something out there, something destined for us, something only we can do. I once though I wanted to be remembered after I die, to go out with a bang, something that would remind people of me, a trace to prove I have existed. The human mind is marvelous, it gives you ton of possibilities and ton of ideas, you can twist anything in your mind, you can expand anything, you can go beyond any point. For instance, I have some songs in my playlist that take me out of my home and far away, somewhere on an unknown road, provided by my mind. I can see myself traveling on a train, watching as the landscape changes, the sun it sliding across the sky at a minimal pace and I'm happy. In that moment, I'm happy. I don't need money, a purpose, talent, a job, it's just me.

To me a house is stifling. The only time I feel I can breathe is outside.

Life is hard, mostly because I don't have a purpose or a goal. I have a reason to live, but no motivation to do so. Getting a goal is not easy, giving a meaning to this life is not easy. Sometimes I wonder how others do it, other people with no goal, like me. Maybe they have the answer I'm searching for or maybe, maybe there is no answer, maybe everybody is coping in their own way. 

I'm 25. It's scary. People expect of me many things, I expect myself to accomplish many things, yet I haven't go the slightest clue where to begin. I wish somebody would just tell me what it is I need to do. Someone that can tell me what my purpose in life is. I just feel so lost, like I'm 16 years old all over again.

Flashbacks

Sometimes it feels like I've walked a long path to reach who I am today, other times it just feel like I can revert to who I was in a matter of seconds. Women are weird. We tend to linger in the past and over analyze feelings which are dead and don't matter anymore. I wonder why is that? Men don't really go over their past feelings, maybe past actions and try to improve their way of acting, but women get trapped in most stupid past feelings and act on it in the present time. For instance, if a woman dreamed her loved one cheating on her, she would feel insulted and act upset for no real reason. Even if they know it's not real, just the thought and feeling that make it feel like a possibility is hurtful and without thinking they take it for good: "If I dreamed it, it could actually happen."

It's the same with past feelings. If you linger and "bathe" in their "waters" you eventually get dragged down, full with regret and wishing you could go back and rewrite your own history. I think it's stupid, but I still get that way some days and god, how I hate those days. Your mind is very tricky, it's not like you can actually get back, yet you're still thinking different way of acting in some sort of long past memory. Who cares how you could have acted? What difference does it make? It's DEAD and GONE. Get back on the right track.

Dare

Someone somewhere once said: "If you ask something, the answer might be yes or no, but if you ask nothing, the answer will always be no". Among the wisest saying that I know, I think this one is my favorite. Why? Because we all fear the answer "no", but really, when you think of it this way, this saying makes perfect sense. We all fear rejection, but if we never dare, the rejection will always be there to haunt us and make us feel remorseful. "Why didn't I just do it?" don't you often find yourself thinking that?

Bravery, I wonder where it comes from. I'm not a very strong person, but I try my hardest not to seem weak. Still, there are times I hesitate, what if I'm not good enough, am I ready, when is the right time, do I really know how to do this? All these questions swarm in my head because I did not have the guts to put myself out there when I had the opportunity. I think I'll try and follow this saying, after all, what could be worse than the feelings I already have?

Try your best~

Stuck

There's nothing I hate more in this world than the feeling of getting stuck in a place, being unable to step forward or take a step back. We all feel stifled at least once in our lives and we all get stuck more than one time, it's just the torture of going through it, no matter how many times you've experienced it, it's always the same. It's like you're breathing a stale air and you're chocking. Right now, my "sticky substance" that is holding me in place is money. Money is putting on hold all my plans, my talent, my time etc and it's lonely, it's sad and it's frustrating. No matter how much money you have, it never seems to be enough to get all things done and something almost always gets left behind and buried.

Sometimes I think, if only I'd be more persevering, maybe I wouldn't end up stuck so many times. Still somehow I end up here and I think, god, when will I get over this?! I go to work, come home and occupy my time just enough to forget I need to go back to work and I never get anything important done, just waste my time, over and over and over again. 

Crap, I'm getting depressing over here. Pathetic, but I gotta live with myself so I need to cut myself a deal. I'm not giving up on my dreams, even though I'm too lazy to work on them right now. It's a promise with myself. So you also, whenever you get stuck, don't give up on yourself, don't try to find excuses, cuz there are plenty already. It's fine to get stuck, just hang on in there, you'll get out, you'll pull yourself out. Promise yourself, promise you won't go emo on me here. *chuckle* 

You're important.

Love in the dark

How do you capture love at it's finest? At it's breathtaking moments? Such an answer is what is currently stopping me from writing. You can call it an artist's block, I guess, but it really makes you wonder. How can some people go to strained lengths to prove their love? I'm a coward, the way I love is also very selfish, but I wonder how far I can be pushed sometimes. 

Just how far is my love able to stretch before it breaks? I'm afraid to find the answer, because I think I'll loose myself again, become hollow again and unintentionally hurt my dear ones. My dark side right now is thinly covered by this love, but even so it's fully contained behind this "sheet". It may peak out sometimes but my hubby pushed it back in with hushed kisses and soft whispers of love. I still stand by my worst fears: going insane.

Where this fear came from, I'm not sure, but it must have something to do with my past lives, I presume. I'm pretty sure, we are all a little bit mad, still we all have that little something which holds back the dark side. The love my dark side shares is far more profound than my own and I keep wanting to see how deep it goes, but I'm afraid I won't find my way back "home" and get stuck in the illusion of normality of another dimension. 

I love so much I want to make it eternal, sometimes... like Romeo and Juliette.

Time vs. friends

Sometime it's hard to deal with the fact that times passes way too fast for your liking and the most horrible part is that you don't get to do what you want and more so, that time puts a distance between you and the rest of the world.

Lately I've been wondering why my friendships ended the way they did and I wonder if there was something I could have done differently, to prevent them to go down the path they did. I lost a lot of people as well as met new ones and I understood this is a natural circle of life. I hate it. Why? 'Cuz no matter how much effort I put when it's not equaled on the other side, the relationships fall apart. I keep trying but they keep pushing me away and now, now I'm waiting. I'm waiting to see if they would make a step or even notice my absence. 

It's not that I'm tired, it's just a request on my hubby's part, to wait and see how many of my friends will call me or try to contact me somehow, if I don't do it first and so far I was quite disappointed to find that none did. Just how many friends do I have?

Still waiting to find out and by the looks of it, it'll be a long wait.

Random rambling on a Saturday

Everyday is a day you can learn more about yourself and discover what you're made of. Everyday is an opportunity to better yourself at something and a goal is something which makes you able to move forward, because that's life and it's a must. Why? Not because I say so, but because otherwise you'd be left behind and then you'll find yourself unable to establish anything because everyone around you may seem like they have suddenly changed. However they have changed gradually, it was you that had remained oblivious.

I discovered today that I didn't hate cleaning as much as I thought I do, instead I found myself thinking last night how I couldn't wait to clean today and where I would start first and such. Frankly I was amazed. Am I making plans to clean? And I though, this isn't me, or is it? And then I decided, yes, this is me, I like to clean, it makes me feel better. Never though I'd say that. I guess things change when you know you're doing it for yourself and that you're doing it because you want to, not because you're being pushed into it. And also I think I'll make more time to paint, because that's something I also love to do, but I always find myself doing something else.

It's great when you discover small things like this because they make you happy, at least it made me happy to know I had some "wife features" inside me. *giggle*

Have a nice weekend~

About myself (part I)

I decided I wanted to share a little bit about what I like to do. My most favorite thing to do is reading and I love reading even more when it's manga. Why? Because I love seeing human expressions. Even in movie I judge the best acting based upon the way it can actually make you believe the story is real, their pain is real, their love is real. I'm not so attracted to read famous writers as I am to the ones that do it for fun, why? Because you can feel involved, you can almost see the excitement when they receive a good review. I think it's fun that you are able to talk to people that love writing, because it's like stepping in a world where dreams come to life.

Another thing I like is music. Okay, a lot of people like music, but to me, it's like a part of life I couldn't live without. There are constant songs inside my head, some sung by famous artists, some written by not so famous artists and even some written by me. Maybe it's a little weird, but this is me and I like me.

Art, yes, well there is almost always a painting that springs to mind, but the lack of space and lack of tools is holding me down, something I hate. I guess maybe it's also my jobs which wrings out every little ounce of strength. I love painting because it allows me to be me and I don't really care if people go for my paintings or not, it's something I do for me, well, one of the many things.

Maybe somewhere between reading and painting made me want to start a little something of my own, like this blog, because maybe, I thought, there are others just like me that have a bad day and they need to rediscover the things which makes them be themselves.

I'm quite complex and I'm not saying this because I'm a woman, but because there are many things I like and also because my personality is not a constant thing. Nothing is in this world, because change is a big aspect in everyone's lives.

Anyway, anything else I'll share later. Have a good one~

Stereotypes

I never actually thought I would admit this, but some women use the line: "Well, I'm a woman" as an excuse and I realized, man, how typical of human nature, but no, seriously now, I think having stereotypes is really a very bad tool to use as a way to judge someone and I know because I used to do it too. Yup, that's right, we all used to stereotype at one time in our lives, because it's hard not to, especially when you're someone who has faults and, yeah well, who doesn't? I do it because I need at least a guide that says: "hey, this person is your type of person and you could get along". Yeah, but no, that's not all I use it for... I admit it, I often ask people their sign and then develop my relationship accordingly.

Now, the only problem with stereotyping people is that you may meet great, wonderful people, but you might side them because of something like, the zodiac sign or the music they listen to, or even the place they hang out. I know this because on some level I used to do it too, I don't anymore though or at least I try not to. I think you should give people the benefit of the doubt before you judge them, because it's really your loss if you chose a crappy friend over a trusting fellow.

In this life you will meet hundreds of people that will either screw you over, love you, be friends with you, help you etc etc and you need to keep an open mind, because no two drops of water are the same, just like no two people are the same, they might seem on the surface, but what's on the inside may really surprise you.

All best~

Confidence

You hear often enough this phrase: Confidence is the key.Well it's true, it is the key of many doors, such as socialization and uhm, relationships, even doing your work and planning to do something, because without confidence and trust in yourself and the work you do, you, my friend, will not get anywhere. If you want to be the best you have to believe you ARE the best, it's just that easy. Of course, even though it may sound easy it's actually a difficult thing to do. I often loose my confidence when people criticize my work, my personality and even my friends, but I try to stand by, not really believing I'm the best, but simply believing I'm good at something, like I'm good at drawing, I'm good at painting, I'm good at writing, I'm a fairly good friend and a good wife.

A lot of people pay no notice and go on with their lives settling for less because they believe they can't do better, well, I try not to and I hope, you will also try not to settle for less than you deserve. So whenever someone tells you that you suck at something, well they can kiss your ass, because if you really try, you'll find out you can do anything. The secret is, you need to believe it and others will believe it too. 

Just think about it, think about the elections where the candidates are so full of it, that they actually believe the words they lie about and we believe them too, we want to believe them because of their confidence in their speeches. 's why we get such cocky presidents.

About soul mates

Once I wanted to believe, that in this world he term soul mates exists. It sounds nice to know there is someone out there made only for you, someone that presumably only comes once in your lifetime and if you find them, you reach a whole new level of happiness and love, but I think there's more to life than that. I mean frankly, I would hate it, if I only have one shot at truly being happy. I mean let's say your true love is someone who died before meeting you, is someone who lives on the other side of the planet, is someone who already has a family, is a close relative, isn't even born etc. I think it's sad, especially when there are other people who have the ability of making you happy.

I believe in each life we have someone who makes us happy and that happiness leaves a hollow in our heart when we pass on, that's why we feel the empty space in our hearts, but it's not longing for a person in particular, it's longing for the happiness that only comes from love. Then we might have the impression we met some persons in our past lives and it's not a total lie, we might have and we might have been in love with them or we might have been "soul mates" in our past lives, but it's alright if this time around we both find someone else to fill that hole.

Don't be stupid and give up the love you have for the wait of a presumable soul mate. when you feel you are the most happy and you can see yourself spending the rest of your life with that person, just go on and do so. If it doesn't work out, cherish your memories and move on, there are a lot of people in this world who need your love and who want to give you love, don't get stuck. I believe we have an infinite chance at love, but it's up to you when you want to stop and simply cultivate that love into a beautiful relationship that lasts, because even scientists say that you can only be in love up to 3 years, beyond that, it's trust, respect and care.

Don't be afraid to love.

Space

I was thinking lately how men sometimes want to have their own space and weigh their own options and decisions or even to temper their moods. I always, well, almost always understood when it happened to someone else, yet no one seems to understand it happens to me to, a woman. We all need our space so maybe because I am usually cheery, people assume I don't have bad days or days when I just don't want to give a fuck. Sorry for the language, but it's just how I feel. Today I simply do not give a fuck. I just wish to lie peaceful and not have to "act out" as people would need me to be, just today I don't want to force my smile, just today I don't want to please anybody, just not care.

I know it's not a liberty I can afford, but once in a while, when I'm tired and mood-less, I want people to understand and just give me that tiny space where I can kill all feelings and just, I don't know, not have to play the "good girl", "bad girl" or any kind of girl for that matter. I just need to recharge my battery and to refill power source.

I need space.

Normal

When I say the word addiction the first thing that springs in mind to any man is most possibly drugs, alcohol, cigarets and maybe even coffee, but the word addiction sometimes covers a whole unexpected areas of "bad" things. An addiction is more or less a weak point in a human's life be it a woman or a man and most times we are facing that problem unknowingly. For example it could be the fact that you need someone to always be with you, that dependence which makes you very vulnerable when alone and gives you thoughts like being unable to breathe or live without someone else beside you. Ok, so many the word addiction is too harsh, it's more like dependence or let's say a custom or maybe part of a routine you've developed, I'm not sure how to put it. 

Like the constant need to have friends to hang out because by yourself it's just not fun enough or the need to wear golden jewelries or being unable to leave the house without make-up on or the obsession on cars, the need to be always prepared. I guess you could call it an addiction/dependence implemented by society. Why? Because society promotes the happiness that only come with marriage and the normality of bearing children and the need for a woman to beautify herself while the job of sustaining the family falls on the shoulder of the man and so on and so forth. We grow up thinking it's the normal thing to do and the abnormal things are being a loner, not having children, seeing things beyond the boundaries set by religion and we tend to accept it as being a part of man, when it's not.

The freedom of thoughts and the will to surpass what society states as normal is a very possible thing to do, but changing the man itself just proves to be impossible. Why? Because  say you can change one man, he will be the odd one out, the abnormal and nothing is solved. True addictions like alcohol, cigarets etc. are also a tricky situation, why? Because your friends drink, you drink, they smoke, you smoke, they drink coffee, you drink coffee and soon it becomes so normal you can't picture it differently. Society is a hard and cruel burden, because we are born in it and live in it and in the end we succumb to it, because it's normal.

The good girl and the bad girl

I wonder if the people who have a good opinion of me get cheated in the long run, because to all those whom I befriend I warn them about my constant change and personality, because I'm not really a good girl. Often I'm being contradicted, people say I'm really a great friend and a good person, but when they come to realize it's not like that, they blame me for not warning them. I dunno who's being unfair here, but i guess people don't usually assume you mean it when you say bad things about yourself and think I'm being modest. It's just some people put a lot of meaning to words, while I don't so much, sure I have a handful of friends I trust and that I would help, but in between some limitations. I admire people who can and are willing to do anything for their friends and who place friends above everything else and I understand I should be more of a casual friend than a real one, but when you get as hurt as I was and get by on your own, it's hard to ever trust people like before.

It's not like I LOVE disappointing people, but it happens often because I try to balance things, balance friends. I promised myself I wouldn't make more than one circle of friends, but i can't help it if i draw other people, because for some reason they all seem to be charmed by my personality, which I personally, don't really think it's THAT great. What I'm sorry the most is that I end up loosing people, because of misunderstandings and once again I'm reminded how difficult it is to hold a friendship together.

Whatever gives people a sense of good with me, is still a mystery to me, since I always warn, I'm not a good person and I'm aware of it, every minute of every day, that doesn't mean I'm necessarily a bad person, but I'm not really good either, because things in this life are not only black and white, sometimes they're grey. Still I'm tired of apologizing for my personality, but I like being around people, so what do I do to make them understand and not repeating the cycle over and over again?

Mystery is pending, people are being hurt and I feel like I'm on my own again, because wounds take a long time to heal and even then scars remain, God, this is depressing, maybe I should just move on, but then what would people think? My friends will think I made light of the situation and again there will be a gap between us. 

I hope the solution will come sooner.

Dependence and New Years

By nature, I'm kind of independent, but I guess marriage changes people, like so many other things and frankly speaking, it's the one thing I would like to keep, even if I have to keep it aside for later times. BUT it seems like the good relationships around me have made me think I don't need it, when it seems I still very much do. Misunderstandings are created and people are getting hurt, that much I understand, because I am someone who kept insisting talk and conversation are very important to any kind of relationships, because it clears things out. Still, people make mistakes and I don't mean putting your trust in other humans is a mistake, but sometimes you need to look around to better understand what you can trust people with, because sometimes you can trust a person with a secret, but not with punctuality and so on and so forth.

I almost always use the excuse about me being a natural air-head, but I don't think people really understand the meaning of it. No matter, friends understand, that much I'm sure, to what extent? I don't want to find out, because it may change my opinion on some people. I like having friends and I like deep talking and I love to spend time with them, but for me it doesn't really need to be a holiday and when playing the good friend card, I'd rather spend my time with one friend who is alone on the New Years Eve, than with 5 or 6 of them who have other people they can hang out with. Why? Maybe because I think I might make a difference, I dunno, because it would have been nice if we all could have invited our own friends and make a hella big party, the more the merrier.