About soul mates

Once I wanted to believe, that in this world he term soul mates exists. It sounds nice to know there is someone out there made only for you, someone that presumably only comes once in your lifetime and if you find them, you reach a whole new level of happiness and love, but I think there's more to life than that. I mean frankly, I would hate it, if I only have one shot at truly being happy. I mean let's say your true love is someone who died before meeting you, is someone who lives on the other side of the planet, is someone who already has a family, is a close relative, isn't even born etc. I think it's sad, especially when there are other people who have the ability of making you happy.

I believe in each life we have someone who makes us happy and that happiness leaves a hollow in our heart when we pass on, that's why we feel the empty space in our hearts, but it's not longing for a person in particular, it's longing for the happiness that only comes from love. Then we might have the impression we met some persons in our past lives and it's not a total lie, we might have and we might have been in love with them or we might have been "soul mates" in our past lives, but it's alright if this time around we both find someone else to fill that hole.

Don't be stupid and give up the love you have for the wait of a presumable soul mate. when you feel you are the most happy and you can see yourself spending the rest of your life with that person, just go on and do so. If it doesn't work out, cherish your memories and move on, there are a lot of people in this world who need your love and who want to give you love, don't get stuck. I believe we have an infinite chance at love, but it's up to you when you want to stop and simply cultivate that love into a beautiful relationship that lasts, because even scientists say that you can only be in love up to 3 years, beyond that, it's trust, respect and care.

Don't be afraid to love.

Space

I was thinking lately how men sometimes want to have their own space and weigh their own options and decisions or even to temper their moods. I always, well, almost always understood when it happened to someone else, yet no one seems to understand it happens to me to, a woman. We all need our space so maybe because I am usually cheery, people assume I don't have bad days or days when I just don't want to give a fuck. Sorry for the language, but it's just how I feel. Today I simply do not give a fuck. I just wish to lie peaceful and not have to "act out" as people would need me to be, just today I don't want to force my smile, just today I don't want to please anybody, just not care.

I know it's not a liberty I can afford, but once in a while, when I'm tired and mood-less, I want people to understand and just give me that tiny space where I can kill all feelings and just, I don't know, not have to play the "good girl", "bad girl" or any kind of girl for that matter. I just need to recharge my battery and to refill power source.

I need space.

Normal

When I say the word addiction the first thing that springs in mind to any man is most possibly drugs, alcohol, cigarets and maybe even coffee, but the word addiction sometimes covers a whole unexpected areas of "bad" things. An addiction is more or less a weak point in a human's life be it a woman or a man and most times we are facing that problem unknowingly. For example it could be the fact that you need someone to always be with you, that dependence which makes you very vulnerable when alone and gives you thoughts like being unable to breathe or live without someone else beside you. Ok, so many the word addiction is too harsh, it's more like dependence or let's say a custom or maybe part of a routine you've developed, I'm not sure how to put it. 

Like the constant need to have friends to hang out because by yourself it's just not fun enough or the need to wear golden jewelries or being unable to leave the house without make-up on or the obsession on cars, the need to be always prepared. I guess you could call it an addiction/dependence implemented by society. Why? Because society promotes the happiness that only come with marriage and the normality of bearing children and the need for a woman to beautify herself while the job of sustaining the family falls on the shoulder of the man and so on and so forth. We grow up thinking it's the normal thing to do and the abnormal things are being a loner, not having children, seeing things beyond the boundaries set by religion and we tend to accept it as being a part of man, when it's not.

The freedom of thoughts and the will to surpass what society states as normal is a very possible thing to do, but changing the man itself just proves to be impossible. Why? Because  say you can change one man, he will be the odd one out, the abnormal and nothing is solved. True addictions like alcohol, cigarets etc. are also a tricky situation, why? Because your friends drink, you drink, they smoke, you smoke, they drink coffee, you drink coffee and soon it becomes so normal you can't picture it differently. Society is a hard and cruel burden, because we are born in it and live in it and in the end we succumb to it, because it's normal.

The good girl and the bad girl

I wonder if the people who have a good opinion of me get cheated in the long run, because to all those whom I befriend I warn them about my constant change and personality, because I'm not really a good girl. Often I'm being contradicted, people say I'm really a great friend and a good person, but when they come to realize it's not like that, they blame me for not warning them. I dunno who's being unfair here, but i guess people don't usually assume you mean it when you say bad things about yourself and think I'm being modest. It's just some people put a lot of meaning to words, while I don't so much, sure I have a handful of friends I trust and that I would help, but in between some limitations. I admire people who can and are willing to do anything for their friends and who place friends above everything else and I understand I should be more of a casual friend than a real one, but when you get as hurt as I was and get by on your own, it's hard to ever trust people like before.

It's not like I LOVE disappointing people, but it happens often because I try to balance things, balance friends. I promised myself I wouldn't make more than one circle of friends, but i can't help it if i draw other people, because for some reason they all seem to be charmed by my personality, which I personally, don't really think it's THAT great. What I'm sorry the most is that I end up loosing people, because of misunderstandings and once again I'm reminded how difficult it is to hold a friendship together.

Whatever gives people a sense of good with me, is still a mystery to me, since I always warn, I'm not a good person and I'm aware of it, every minute of every day, that doesn't mean I'm necessarily a bad person, but I'm not really good either, because things in this life are not only black and white, sometimes they're grey. Still I'm tired of apologizing for my personality, but I like being around people, so what do I do to make them understand and not repeating the cycle over and over again?

Mystery is pending, people are being hurt and I feel like I'm on my own again, because wounds take a long time to heal and even then scars remain, God, this is depressing, maybe I should just move on, but then what would people think? My friends will think I made light of the situation and again there will be a gap between us. 

I hope the solution will come sooner.

Dependence and New Years

By nature, I'm kind of independent, but I guess marriage changes people, like so many other things and frankly speaking, it's the one thing I would like to keep, even if I have to keep it aside for later times. BUT it seems like the good relationships around me have made me think I don't need it, when it seems I still very much do. Misunderstandings are created and people are getting hurt, that much I understand, because I am someone who kept insisting talk and conversation are very important to any kind of relationships, because it clears things out. Still, people make mistakes and I don't mean putting your trust in other humans is a mistake, but sometimes you need to look around to better understand what you can trust people with, because sometimes you can trust a person with a secret, but not with punctuality and so on and so forth.

I almost always use the excuse about me being a natural air-head, but I don't think people really understand the meaning of it. No matter, friends understand, that much I'm sure, to what extent? I don't want to find out, because it may change my opinion on some people. I like having friends and I like deep talking and I love to spend time with them, but for me it doesn't really need to be a holiday and when playing the good friend card, I'd rather spend my time with one friend who is alone on the New Years Eve, than with 5 or 6 of them who have other people they can hang out with. Why? Maybe because I think I might make a difference, I dunno, because it would have been nice if we all could have invited our own friends and make a hella big party, the more the merrier.