Commitment to one's self

Though I'm not usually a very open person, I like spending the day with myself. Lounging, taking log baths and talking to myself, are a few things I do when I'm in my company. The thing about commitment is that when you are in a relationship one tends to forget one's self and only think of the needs of the loved one. My personal opinion is that you loved one first fell in love with who you are and you should never forget that, if the relationship turns you into someone that forgets oneself then you should get out, now. Losing yourself in love is not a bad thing, but love doesn't last that long when you turn yourself into someone you're not. It's important to have some balance in your love life. and it's not selfish to want some time for yourself.

Since I'm not jobless... *sigh* I'm spending time with myself everyday. I'm trying to get in touch with my other side and it's not bad, not bad at all. I'm thinking of starting to paint again, but I can't afford new tools right now. When I do though, i think I'm going to make a self portrait, my first of its kind.

Have a nice day. ~

The love game

People made love into a game, a game where each player has a role they need to play out in order to win. Both women and men end up playing someone they are not in order to benefit love, but I wonder how long can you hold a role? In one year you can live a fantasy, close up because you can't be the person you are, then explode, leading to fights, leading to beatings, leading to murder? or divorce, leaving empty shells, which used to be once human being. Why would you put yourself through such a heart breaking scene?

In this world there probably aren't a lot of people who would love you for who you are, but those who do most times end up loving you your whole life. So playing and pretending and ending up unable to ever have a relationship or playing out your heart for real, which is it? Which can guarantee you a lifetime of happiness? Because in the end, isn't that what we all want? Sure relationships are hard, because it takes two to make things work, but it's not impossible.

This love game, will you play it?

A man's love

It's quite obvious since men and women have different patterns of built, that they'd have a different opinion and and way of falling in love. I'm not trying to be misogynistic when I'm saying a man's love has a certain depth a woman's will never be able to reach, of course it also depends on people, since love varies a lot even among those of the same gender. Still I genuinely think a man's love is more beautiful, why exactly, I'm not sure myself how to put it. A man yearns for a woman with both his body and his heart whereas a woman, well most women don't need to have sex to fall in love with a man and personally I think that's shallow. Why? Because I believe only it's important to be compatible in bed as well as in feelings. It's stupid to believe a relationship can only work based on feelings only or sex only. Love is a recipe, it needs the right ingredients for it to taste good.

I'm not saying women don't love enough, I'm just saying women love differently, because when we choose a man we also think about the future, they way things are heading, most men don't, they just relive the moment of their love and it's enough. A man's love is simpler yet more complex and maybe that's the real reason women love men, because of the depth of their feelings, because even know we sway them around like we want to, even know they know it too, they let themselves be swayed because they love us. Just how lovely is that kind of love?! Well, some of you may know.

Happiness

I remember a while ago a friend has mentioned something, a saying that has been going around for a long time, a saying I once believed myself and it went something like this: You can never attain true happiness, but it's worth searching for it all your life. Excuse the language but that line is just full of shit. Period. I mean seriously? why would someone go to such lengths to lie? "True happiness"? What the hell is that? There's not such thing, happiness is just happiness. There's no true or false, big or small happiness. If you live with someone your whole life and they make you happy then one day you find out it was all a lie and they never loved you, is the happiness you lived while being lied to, false happiness? No, it was just happiness, doesn't make it any less of a happiness if you were oblivious to what the other truly felt. 

Besides, it's stupid to say happiness cannot be attained, happiness is fleeting so of course it might stray at times and you might have sad times too, but that's just life, it has its ups and downs, it's not like you can expect only good things to happen, it's about the way you value the happiness you have. If you allow yourself to live then you can allow yourself to find happiness in the smallness of things, like your cat's purring or your dog's tail wagging or the way coffee smells or even the way the wind blows unraveling your hair or in the smile of your loved ones. Just smile and let yourself drown in happiness, because it's all around you anyway, you just need to open your eyes wider to see it.

Hero

I have always been enchanted by heroes and condemned cowards, because when you see a movie or read a book something deep inside you inspires you to be amazed and cheer for those who stand up for themselves even against the whole wide world, but in read life, being a hero takes a lot of  courage. i think being able to stand up for what you believe in and protect that which is important to you is what makes us human beings, not price or the ability to judge. Being a "hero" in this day and time takes a lot more than courage because people will take you for a fool and many times modern heroes fail to deliver their message and most times it takes their death for them to finally be acknowledged. Why is that? What does one man need to die for others to acknowledge his statements?

It's easy to speak big words and then when it comes to taking actions to step to the side, it takes a true human to stand up for his beliefs, be they as they are. We seem to be living under the misconception that our wishes will become true without us having to do something about it. If you want something then you don't leave that to chance! You need to put your back into it, into the future you want to have, because futures are not granted, they are built.

So what makes true heroes tick? I think it's confidence and belief. What do you think?

Money

Humans can be so cruel, making decisions, crushing dreams with cold words. I never expected much from the humans around me, but I always, well most of the times I did what I was expected to do, I did what others and myself thought it was the right thing to do. Whether it was homework, studying, being polite or helping others, I was present most of the times, because I considered it was my duty to do as much as I could to please others. Till this day I’m always polite and smile even though others step on my words, I still believe kindness is the best approach of every situation.

Time went by and I never thought much of it so pretty soon it became part of me, the sense of duty. I never had an opinion of my own, or idea, just dreams that I would never share with anyone. I grew up, not knowing what it meant, my world has always been like a protecting circle around my heart and I always thought the real world was just a nightmare, I don’t know when I first started seeing life just as it was or just as it is now. My world was broken and turned in a dream and the real world what seemed to be a nightmare before had been turned into reality. What I do remember however is that I was crushed, torn, hurt because I’ve become a pitiful person.

I closed my eyes and shut everything out, thinking it was the best, but I became more and more pitiful, I started loosing hope in what seemed to make sense before, why had God “lied” to me? Why would God not help us? I thought mean and hurtful things, selfish and sad; I became a stranger to myself and everyone around me, I became captive of my own pity and anger.

But on a random day I sat down, lost in my own thoughts and a line came to me and it said to me: you are your own responsibility. At first I pushed the thought back into my head but it kept coming back to the surface, again and again until I gave up and acknowledged it. People always blame others for their own faults, because they themselves are afraid of being pointed at. God is not responsible for my mistakes, God is not responsible for the world hunger, for the world’s wars, no. Humans are. Humans have all the answers they need, in the palm of their hand, but they refuse to use it. World hunger CAN be solved, but nobody would do it. Why? It’s simple, it’s called economy, money. Giving away is not a profitable business, therefore nobody does it. The food industry is among the biggest industry on our planet, yet there are people in the world that starve.

What is the price for life these days? We kill so easily with cold blooded hands that I’m scared to even think what will become of this world in the far end future. This world has already been sank into darkness and the only light that burns brightly in this darkness is the shiny face of a penny.

Letting loose

Purpose... music and painting give me a sense of purpose, a way to find myself when I feel lost, when I feel trapped and cannot see a way out of a situation. I'm pretty sure everybody has a way to escape reality once in a while, when it becomes too overwhelming. I usually face my problems straight on, but there are times when I find it difficult to see my way up ahead. I use music or drawing as a way to relax, let my mind be filled with something else and give myself time to digest all the information that had been clogging me before and most of times that helps and when it doesn't, my friends make sure to help with a night's out. 

Sure, work is important, but so are the liberating times. You need to get touch with yourself and constantly remind yourself why you do the things you do, otherwise you'll wake up one morning and find yourself thinking things like: How did I get here? Why am I here? This is not where I wanted to be! This is not who I am! This is not what I want! This is not me.

So, among your work hours, your people hours, you free time, whenever, just stop, take a deep breath, close your eyes and think about what you want, one thing, 10 things, anything, something that makes you who you are, then smile and exhale. This right here, right now, is you and whatever the future might have reserved for you, whatever people say, whatever others think, whatever you are supposed to do or not do, whatever you are asked to do, you will always be yourself first.

Understanding

People claim they look for understanding in the people around them, but we all know that's just bullshit. What people want is acceptance. We are unique and complex individuals, there is no way for other people to understand us, even if they went through the same experiences, it's not the same.

No matter how many times I hear "I understand" I automatically exchange it with "I accept", because that's what it's supposed to be perceived as. Understanding is something much more complicated than that, to know the feelings is not the same as living them and people, well people are selfish by nature and there's nothing wrong with that.

God asks you to love yourself first, to make something of yourself first, for you to always be the example, so it's okay to be selfish sometimes, especially when it's something that enables you to live freely. The limit of acceptance and understanding is something we come up with, no other man can tell you otherwise. Of course society has its own boundaries, its own laws and regulations, but beside that only one stands the most true and important: your freedom stops where an others' freedom begins.

So next time you claim you understand or you wish to be understood, ask yourselft this: can you truly say you understand yourself?