I wonder if the people who have a good opinion of me get cheated in the long run, because to all those whom I befriend I warn them about my constant change and personality, because I'm not really a good girl. Often I'm being contradicted, people say I'm really a great friend and a good person, but when they come to realize it's not like that, they blame me for not warning them. I dunno who's being unfair here, but i guess people don't usually assume you mean it when you say bad things about yourself and think I'm being modest. It's just some people put a lot of meaning to words, while I don't so much, sure I have a handful of friends I trust and that I would help, but in between some limitations. I admire people who can and are willing to do anything for their friends and who place friends above everything else and I understand I should be more of a casual friend than a real one, but when you get as hurt as I was and get by on your own, it's hard to ever trust people like before.
It's not like I LOVE disappointing people, but it happens often because I try to balance things, balance friends. I promised myself I wouldn't make more than one circle of friends, but i can't help it if i draw other people, because for some reason they all seem to be charmed by my personality, which I personally, don't really think it's THAT great. What I'm sorry the most is that I end up loosing people, because of misunderstandings and once again I'm reminded how difficult it is to hold a friendship together.
Whatever gives people a sense of good with me, is still a mystery to me, since I always warn, I'm not a good person and I'm aware of it, every minute of every day, that doesn't mean I'm necessarily a bad person, but I'm not really good either, because things in this life are not only black and white, sometimes they're grey. Still I'm tired of apologizing for my personality, but I like being around people, so what do I do to make them understand and not repeating the cycle over and over again?
Mystery is pending, people are being hurt and I feel like I'm on my own again, because wounds take a long time to heal and even then scars remain, God, this is depressing, maybe I should just move on, but then what would people think? My friends will think I made light of the situation and again there will be a gap between us.
I hope the solution will come sooner.
No comments:
Post a Comment