Purpose

We all feel that there's something out there, something destined for us, something only we can do. I once though I wanted to be remembered after I die, to go out with a bang, something that would remind people of me, a trace to prove I have existed. The human mind is marvelous, it gives you ton of possibilities and ton of ideas, you can twist anything in your mind, you can expand anything, you can go beyond any point. For instance, I have some songs in my playlist that take me out of my home and far away, somewhere on an unknown road, provided by my mind. I can see myself traveling on a train, watching as the landscape changes, the sun it sliding across the sky at a minimal pace and I'm happy. In that moment, I'm happy. I don't need money, a purpose, talent, a job, it's just me.

To me a house is stifling. The only time I feel I can breathe is outside.

Life is hard, mostly because I don't have a purpose or a goal. I have a reason to live, but no motivation to do so. Getting a goal is not easy, giving a meaning to this life is not easy. Sometimes I wonder how others do it, other people with no goal, like me. Maybe they have the answer I'm searching for or maybe, maybe there is no answer, maybe everybody is coping in their own way. 

I'm 25. It's scary. People expect of me many things, I expect myself to accomplish many things, yet I haven't go the slightest clue where to begin. I wish somebody would just tell me what it is I need to do. Someone that can tell me what my purpose in life is. I just feel so lost, like I'm 16 years old all over again.

Flashbacks

Sometimes it feels like I've walked a long path to reach who I am today, other times it just feel like I can revert to who I was in a matter of seconds. Women are weird. We tend to linger in the past and over analyze feelings which are dead and don't matter anymore. I wonder why is that? Men don't really go over their past feelings, maybe past actions and try to improve their way of acting, but women get trapped in most stupid past feelings and act on it in the present time. For instance, if a woman dreamed her loved one cheating on her, she would feel insulted and act upset for no real reason. Even if they know it's not real, just the thought and feeling that make it feel like a possibility is hurtful and without thinking they take it for good: "If I dreamed it, it could actually happen."

It's the same with past feelings. If you linger and "bathe" in their "waters" you eventually get dragged down, full with regret and wishing you could go back and rewrite your own history. I think it's stupid, but I still get that way some days and god, how I hate those days. Your mind is very tricky, it's not like you can actually get back, yet you're still thinking different way of acting in some sort of long past memory. Who cares how you could have acted? What difference does it make? It's DEAD and GONE. Get back on the right track.

Dare

Someone somewhere once said: "If you ask something, the answer might be yes or no, but if you ask nothing, the answer will always be no". Among the wisest saying that I know, I think this one is my favorite. Why? Because we all fear the answer "no", but really, when you think of it this way, this saying makes perfect sense. We all fear rejection, but if we never dare, the rejection will always be there to haunt us and make us feel remorseful. "Why didn't I just do it?" don't you often find yourself thinking that?

Bravery, I wonder where it comes from. I'm not a very strong person, but I try my hardest not to seem weak. Still, there are times I hesitate, what if I'm not good enough, am I ready, when is the right time, do I really know how to do this? All these questions swarm in my head because I did not have the guts to put myself out there when I had the opportunity. I think I'll try and follow this saying, after all, what could be worse than the feelings I already have?

Try your best~

Stuck

There's nothing I hate more in this world than the feeling of getting stuck in a place, being unable to step forward or take a step back. We all feel stifled at least once in our lives and we all get stuck more than one time, it's just the torture of going through it, no matter how many times you've experienced it, it's always the same. It's like you're breathing a stale air and you're chocking. Right now, my "sticky substance" that is holding me in place is money. Money is putting on hold all my plans, my talent, my time etc and it's lonely, it's sad and it's frustrating. No matter how much money you have, it never seems to be enough to get all things done and something almost always gets left behind and buried.

Sometimes I think, if only I'd be more persevering, maybe I wouldn't end up stuck so many times. Still somehow I end up here and I think, god, when will I get over this?! I go to work, come home and occupy my time just enough to forget I need to go back to work and I never get anything important done, just waste my time, over and over and over again. 

Crap, I'm getting depressing over here. Pathetic, but I gotta live with myself so I need to cut myself a deal. I'm not giving up on my dreams, even though I'm too lazy to work on them right now. It's a promise with myself. So you also, whenever you get stuck, don't give up on yourself, don't try to find excuses, cuz there are plenty already. It's fine to get stuck, just hang on in there, you'll get out, you'll pull yourself out. Promise yourself, promise you won't go emo on me here. *chuckle* 

You're important.

Love in the dark

How do you capture love at it's finest? At it's breathtaking moments? Such an answer is what is currently stopping me from writing. You can call it an artist's block, I guess, but it really makes you wonder. How can some people go to strained lengths to prove their love? I'm a coward, the way I love is also very selfish, but I wonder how far I can be pushed sometimes. 

Just how far is my love able to stretch before it breaks? I'm afraid to find the answer, because I think I'll loose myself again, become hollow again and unintentionally hurt my dear ones. My dark side right now is thinly covered by this love, but even so it's fully contained behind this "sheet". It may peak out sometimes but my hubby pushed it back in with hushed kisses and soft whispers of love. I still stand by my worst fears: going insane.

Where this fear came from, I'm not sure, but it must have something to do with my past lives, I presume. I'm pretty sure, we are all a little bit mad, still we all have that little something which holds back the dark side. The love my dark side shares is far more profound than my own and I keep wanting to see how deep it goes, but I'm afraid I won't find my way back "home" and get stuck in the illusion of normality of another dimension. 

I love so much I want to make it eternal, sometimes... like Romeo and Juliette.

Time vs. friends

Sometime it's hard to deal with the fact that times passes way too fast for your liking and the most horrible part is that you don't get to do what you want and more so, that time puts a distance between you and the rest of the world.

Lately I've been wondering why my friendships ended the way they did and I wonder if there was something I could have done differently, to prevent them to go down the path they did. I lost a lot of people as well as met new ones and I understood this is a natural circle of life. I hate it. Why? 'Cuz no matter how much effort I put when it's not equaled on the other side, the relationships fall apart. I keep trying but they keep pushing me away and now, now I'm waiting. I'm waiting to see if they would make a step or even notice my absence. 

It's not that I'm tired, it's just a request on my hubby's part, to wait and see how many of my friends will call me or try to contact me somehow, if I don't do it first and so far I was quite disappointed to find that none did. Just how many friends do I have?

Still waiting to find out and by the looks of it, it'll be a long wait.

Random rambling on a Saturday

Everyday is a day you can learn more about yourself and discover what you're made of. Everyday is an opportunity to better yourself at something and a goal is something which makes you able to move forward, because that's life and it's a must. Why? Not because I say so, but because otherwise you'd be left behind and then you'll find yourself unable to establish anything because everyone around you may seem like they have suddenly changed. However they have changed gradually, it was you that had remained oblivious.

I discovered today that I didn't hate cleaning as much as I thought I do, instead I found myself thinking last night how I couldn't wait to clean today and where I would start first and such. Frankly I was amazed. Am I making plans to clean? And I though, this isn't me, or is it? And then I decided, yes, this is me, I like to clean, it makes me feel better. Never though I'd say that. I guess things change when you know you're doing it for yourself and that you're doing it because you want to, not because you're being pushed into it. And also I think I'll make more time to paint, because that's something I also love to do, but I always find myself doing something else.

It's great when you discover small things like this because they make you happy, at least it made me happy to know I had some "wife features" inside me. *giggle*

Have a nice weekend~