What to pick?

My god is it difficult being me some days, or maybe it's just the fact that I'm a woman, I don't know. I just can't seem to make up my mind. What do I want to do with my life? It's still a mystery to me. I want to be an artist, but I want to be a mother, I want to do something constructive and be successful and I also want to waste my life doing nothing. 

I know I want something more from life, something more than I already have but I also feel the need to fulfill everybody else's wishes. Reminds me of a song, Trouble by Coldplay "...a spider web and I'm caught in the middle...".

I wish I knew what would make me the happiest and then I'd just go with that, but there are too many things that I want. I remember wanting to be a different person each day, a grandma today, a ten year old boy tomorrow. 

Human minds are very fascinating things, don't you think?

God is love?!

So let's talk about God. Let's fight and then decide the one that was right about the God concept, let's start wars and discrimination based on our own believes and if I think otherwise I'll make my own religion because I can do that too and proceed to make people believe my words over yours. My god talks to me and he definitely thinks my religion will spare you of hell in the other life if only you're willing to spare some money.

Yeah, ok, so maybe I won't talk to you about God. I believe in hope and love and I have my own god too. He's young, about 10 years old, he was blond curly hair and he plays mean jokes on me sometimes because he's trying to tell me something, but I'm not listening so he's angry. My god doesn't talk about himself, he just points out the fact that I need to tell myself every day that I love me, that I'm alive and I should appreciate it and that I should share my love with others, because I have enough to give the whole world. This makes me smile, especially when I see him smile at me, when I listen. I suspect this tiny god, is actually my own heart that guides my moves everyday.

Your heart is beautiful too, make sure you listen to it.

All that...

Most amazing days when your brain tells you this is it, this is the f-ing end and you get that feeling which makes your believe that you're on a set road and you can't turn right around and you're right, you can't turn right around, you can't pick things off from where you left them, because time distorts everything and things change, feeling change, people change, BUT you can stop and make a right, make two lefts and make a right again, because you're the one steering the wheel. It's most amazing feeling realizing you're the one making all these mistakes, over and over and OVER again, but here's the catch: bash your head a little then get over it. The one having the problem is ALSO the one solving the problem. Sure, it's not an easy task, I myself am in the prospect of changing myself to the better, I think, so I know, it's a bitch, but I'm not giving up. :)

Being a woman is definitely hard, mostly because what seems important today might not be half as important tomorrow. Women change their mind a lot and by that I mean A WHOLE LOT, still the most important decisions don't come to us overnight or I'd like to think that they don't.

I wanted to help make a difference, to something, someone, because I'm selfish and I wanted to make a change in that aspect. Still the only thing I do have to offer is my ear and my shoulder and it's not enough. People don't change, they adapt, but their personalities stay the same, it's also the reason why they make the same mistake numerous times. 

Lately, I've had an artist crush on someone, that's like saying you see this person that inspires your talent and at the same time you're sort of interested in their persona, not sexually, but... okay so I can't explain it, it's not something I usually do. Anyway this person brought many subjects on the matter of human love and how many things could be avoided if only we cared enough and he's right, but humans forget really quickly these things when they don't exist in their everyday life and I think it's nice that he keeps reminding them to whoever reads them. Makes me remember why I chose to write this blog in the first place, to make a difference for someone.

Anyway, I'm sorry I haven't updated in a long while, I hope I do get to do it more often.

Have a great day~

Go, me!

Today, I'm happy. I finally managed to clean my closet, which for me is a great achievement since I'm such a lazy ass and at the same time I realized that I'm not as bad as I though I was. I genuinely care for some people, even if I said that I don't and I worry for some people I never thought I would worry about. I guess it's not that bad to acknowledge I'm actually, a little bit good. It also makes me feel good, of course, being the selfish person I am.

I think, today, in a long while, I feel lively, like I can actually get out there to enjoy life, which is better than lazing around inside and I feel I can totally do the whole wife thing and maybe later on I'll even be wanting to be a mother, I think. Still, this is what I chose to do with my life and by god, I will totally rock at this, 'cuz I AM that good. *laughs*

Anyway, what I'm trying to say as that at one time or another you also need to get off your lazy ass and do something for yourself, something that makes you feel good, oh, and also, helping others while your at it. 

Tip of the day! Just say "Go, me!" Totally works, trust me! :)

Complex, another pretty word for undecided

Being a woman is such a hassle. Starting from the fact that we're so complex and being complex is no compliment either. I actually believe being complex is a default, because we are always misunderstood and we have no clarity over what we really want. It's like asking someone for butter to spread over a bread you don't have and you're not really sure you do want to have. God, and don't make me start on that time of the month. I mean, my god, do I really need to react like a bitch to every single thing? Apparently yes, 'cuz my stupid hormones dictate whatever comes out of my mouth.

I dread the days until my next period and just hope against hope that chocolate will somehow come to the rescue and I won't make a total ass of myself, otherwise it's painkillers all the way. 

Fact is, men at least have some clarity over what they want to do and if they have something they like they can make it the best, but me? I have a ton of things I like and I can't decide which one to pick, cuz whatever I pick I would still feel bad. Why? Because if I want to do thing no.1, halfway through it I suddenly decide it was thing no.2 I actually wanted to do and start on that, only to stop somewhere in the middle again, because no.3 suddenly sounds like the best option and so on and so forth. Complex my ass, more like undecided, but yeah, that's me, I even have a motto: "Today I want something that tomorrow I won't."

Purpose

We all feel that there's something out there, something destined for us, something only we can do. I once though I wanted to be remembered after I die, to go out with a bang, something that would remind people of me, a trace to prove I have existed. The human mind is marvelous, it gives you ton of possibilities and ton of ideas, you can twist anything in your mind, you can expand anything, you can go beyond any point. For instance, I have some songs in my playlist that take me out of my home and far away, somewhere on an unknown road, provided by my mind. I can see myself traveling on a train, watching as the landscape changes, the sun it sliding across the sky at a minimal pace and I'm happy. In that moment, I'm happy. I don't need money, a purpose, talent, a job, it's just me.

To me a house is stifling. The only time I feel I can breathe is outside.

Life is hard, mostly because I don't have a purpose or a goal. I have a reason to live, but no motivation to do so. Getting a goal is not easy, giving a meaning to this life is not easy. Sometimes I wonder how others do it, other people with no goal, like me. Maybe they have the answer I'm searching for or maybe, maybe there is no answer, maybe everybody is coping in their own way. 

I'm 25. It's scary. People expect of me many things, I expect myself to accomplish many things, yet I haven't go the slightest clue where to begin. I wish somebody would just tell me what it is I need to do. Someone that can tell me what my purpose in life is. I just feel so lost, like I'm 16 years old all over again.

Flashbacks

Sometimes it feels like I've walked a long path to reach who I am today, other times it just feel like I can revert to who I was in a matter of seconds. Women are weird. We tend to linger in the past and over analyze feelings which are dead and don't matter anymore. I wonder why is that? Men don't really go over their past feelings, maybe past actions and try to improve their way of acting, but women get trapped in most stupid past feelings and act on it in the present time. For instance, if a woman dreamed her loved one cheating on her, she would feel insulted and act upset for no real reason. Even if they know it's not real, just the thought and feeling that make it feel like a possibility is hurtful and without thinking they take it for good: "If I dreamed it, it could actually happen."

It's the same with past feelings. If you linger and "bathe" in their "waters" you eventually get dragged down, full with regret and wishing you could go back and rewrite your own history. I think it's stupid, but I still get that way some days and god, how I hate those days. Your mind is very tricky, it's not like you can actually get back, yet you're still thinking different way of acting in some sort of long past memory. Who cares how you could have acted? What difference does it make? It's DEAD and GONE. Get back on the right track.